I was invited to do a storytelling show called Tasty Words. The theme for the month was The Sexy Beast. I had never done a story telling show before, so I was considered a "Tasty Virgin", but I was very excited.
Here is my story:
My path into pornography was not stereotypical. I was never molested as a child. I’ve never been raped or in an abusive relationship. And I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Being in the adult entertainment business has actually been a very positive experience for me, and has been a big part of my conscious spiritual path.
One of my earliest memories, in relation to my sexuality, happened when I was 3 years old. I was at this New Years Eve party, that my parents took me to, and all I remember is that I just loved the men. I enjoyed sitting on their laps and flirting with them. I just adored luxuriating in their energy and attention.
When I turned 7, my exhibitionist started emerging. I had this little body suit that had a snap on skirt and I used to go up to people and say, “do you wanna see me dance?” And I’d dance around and rip off my skirt. And I felt so proud of myself. One day my mother caught me doing this, and she said, “oh, honey, don’t do that, that’s called a strip tease.” But instead of deterring me from doing that in the future, I’d go up to people and say to people, “do you wanna see me do a strip tease.”
By the time I was 12, I had the reputation as a slut, even before I lost my virginity. And to be honest with you, it really hurt to be put down for something that I felt was so wonderful and innocent and delightful. I used to sneak off behind the bushes with these two 13-year-old boys, and we’d make out. We would kiss and feel each other up. One guy would put his hand up my shirt and the other one would have his hand down my pants. And I’d reach down their pants and play with them. I cherished our secret playtime. I thought it was the best feeling in the world. You know, looking back, this was actually my first threesome.
Even though I was having sexy fun with the boys, I had a lot of insecurities about my looks. Once I hit puberty, I went through this really awkward stage. I went from being a tiny, petite, little gymnast to having this explosion of tits and hips, and I started struggling with my weight. My ears stuck out, my nose and my lips were too big for my face. And I had no idea what to do with my naturally curly hair, which, back then, was just a frizzy mess.
However, one of the boys in my class signed in my yearbook “stay sexy sweetheart” and I remember having the thought, “Well, I may not be pretty, but at least I’m sexy.” I struggled with this dichotomy of feeling very sexy, but not quite feeling attractive enough, all through high school as well.
By the time I hit 18, I was searching the want ads and came across two tiny little lines that would change the trajectory of my life forever. It said, “fantasy phone call girls wanted, must be attractive”. This intrigued me, “why would I have to be attractive to be a fantasy phone call girl?”
I called them up and they explained that they advertised to their customers, that they would prove to them, that they were talking to an attractive girl, by sending them a custom posed, nude polaroid of the girl that they talked to.
I scheduled an interview with them, and I knew I could definitely do the phone sex, but I wasn’t entirely sure if I would be considered attractive.
However, despite my insecurities, they loved me and hired me on the spot. Working for this company was a very gentle introduction to being in the adult entertainment business. It was like porn pre-school. I did my first nude photos and eventually I did girl-girl photos and boy-girl and threesome photos. And those were hard core! (That means actual fucking!)
When I was 19 years old, I was invited to the
X-rated Critics Organization awards show. I dressed up in my sexiest dress with a plunging neckline.
That night, at least 10 people came up to me and said, “are you an actress?” and I’d say, “no”, and they’d say, “oh, you should be!”
Even though I had been working for the fantasy phone call company for a year, and had some experience taking nude photos, I still had the thought, “who would want to see me with my clothes off?”
I was completely enthralled by the beautiful porn stars there, but I didn’t feel like I quite measured up to some of these petite, tight-bodied, blondes.
When Tracy Lords was on stage, this girl leaned over to me and said, “you see that girl, she drives a Ferrari. You can really make a lot of money in this business.”
Wow! That really excited me! The idea of a lifestyle of sexual freedom and financial independence - at this early age - really appealed to me.
So, I thought about it for a while, and I decided to go for it.
I was introduced to this famous Penthouse photographer named Suze Randall. She was one of the hottest photographers in the industry, and I did a test shoot with her. She asked me if I had an agent, and I said “no”, so she got on the phone, and in her frothy English accent said, “Jim, I’ve got a girl here with knockers that will knock your socks off.”
When Jim booked me on my first movie, I wasn’t even nervous. I loved it!
For the first time I felt like I could totally be my unencumbered self.
I could run around naked, flirt with all the guys, have lots of sex and nobody put me down for it. And they paid me for it!
I was going along, being in the business, making movies, shooting for magazines, doing personal appearances, and having a lot of fun.
But there was all this negative press coming out – there were people like Linda Lovelace and Marilyn Chambers talking about how horrible the industry had been for them.
That made me begin to doubt myself, and I wondered, “oh my god! Am I fucking up my life by fucking for a living?”
I started thinking about my future. Will I end up regretting what I’ve done? How long does one stay in porn anyway? And what do you do after porn? All of my friends are in college – Shouldn’t I be in college?
I hit this wall of self doubt and fear, and I didn’t know what to do. So I confided in one of my good friends, who was a phone sex girl, and she said,
“You need to go see Bill Burns, and you have to get a reading! He’s a spiritual teacher and a psychic. He’ll really help you!” She was very insistent that I go, so I did.
Now Bill’s not your typical psychic with the neon palm in the front window. This man is the real deal. – I love him…He’s fond of saying things like, “Spirituality doesn’t care if you sleep with a guy, a girl or a goat. Spirituality only cares what you’ve learned from your experiences.”
I got a reading from him and he explained to me that I was fundamentally a teacher and a healer. He said that I was teaching now in my acting and that people who watched my movies, whether they realized it consciously or not, were getting a healthy change in their thinking – they were getting a healthy change in their attitude toward sexuality. He let me know that being in porn was a perfectly valid spiritual path for me. And when he said this, it resonated in my gut.
When I walked out of his office, I felt elated! I knew that what I was on the right track, regardless of what anybody else said about it. He even told me that “a million people can tell you that your wrong, but if it feels right in your gut, then it is right for you.”
I continued on working in the adult industry, and having a really having a great time with it. One day, at one of my personal appearances, this adorable 18 year old boy, came up to me and said, “um…like you’re different…like… when you do it…it’s not dirty.” And I said, “That’s right”.
It made me smile because it really touched my heart. I knew that my message was getting through to him and other young boys like him. I felt confident that I was on my spiritual path, and I knew it was my mission to bring joy to the world one orgasm at a time.